Without a Doubt

    Once again, sleeplessness has left me here, writing this blog. It's not such a bad thing. I have a weird relationship with the haze that sets in after not sleeping for an unhealthy period of time. It loosens my mind, letting me set aside those internal prejudices that keep me from enjoying writing all the time. I don't feel so self conscious at one in the morning. I'm weird.

    I'm finding the more I step up in life, the more I'm terrified I might succeed. I know that sounds stupid. Hell, I just said it out loud to make sure it was I meant to say. The prospect of success means that you have accomplished something, which in turn means responsibility and respect. These are things I crave desperately, and have so for years. I just don't know if I'm the man to actually bear that burden. ;It doesn't feel like courage when the thing I'm trying to overcome is myself.

    I think this might be about doubt. Doubt has been, and I really believe always be, my greatest weakness. The moment I think that I can fail, I don't even quit.

    I never even try.

    I have wasted so many opportunities in my life because of the fear of failure. It's easier to be a screw-up. No expectations, no pressure. People are proud of you for just getting by. Don't get me wrong, the person was five, six years ago is not the man I am today. But I should have never have fallen to that point. I had potential, but no vision. Everyone around me, especially my family saw, this in me, and desperately tried to get me to realize it myself before it was too late.

   I pray that I prove them right.

   Part of that is excepting one's inherent greatness. And I'm not talking about the arrogant bravado that normally surrounds me. It's in that moment when you've made the right call and you know you have to stick with it. Because in the end other people are depending on you. Because you know that you ARE the right person for the job. Because, at the very end of the day, you can sleep knowing that it was done right, and done for the right reasons.

    I'm not just moving on. I'm moving forward. I've made mistakes and squandered time and chance, but they HAVE taught me a lessons. I am wiser, more capable than I have ever been. Tomorrow, and every tomorrow after after that, I'm going to be a better Sean.